Thoughts

UNFOLLOWED

so he unfollowed me on IG. not just me but the rest of the colleagues as well, even blocked us. not sure when was it but i found out yesterday. it feels like we are ‘officially’ strangers. A lot went through my mind since last night. i would love to say that i am not affected by it, i am but not greatly because it used to meant something. The crazy thing is that, in the past when he told me the stories about how people did him wrong, was he telling the truth? or was he exaggerating the whole situation? or did they really did him so wrong? or was it just him? I talked it out with the ones that i’m closer to at work. when i finally let the cat out, i somehow feel relief because i am able to hear the other side of the story.

i am really glad what happen happened. it made me realized how lucky was it for me to escape this friendship/relationship and i believe for him as well. We are a recipe for disaster and, one of my friends said i will be walking on the egg shells if we were to be exclusive. I told everyone around me, especially my mum how nice was he and unexpectedly he turn out to be the worst; this is a tragedy and i am really sorry, mum! And sure, it was hurtful and depressing-at the beginning but now it is purely disappointment.

Staycation for 4 days 3 nights starting from today. & this happened just on time. i’m feeling really good about this. =3

Notes, Thoughts

UNINSPIRED + NOTES

i simply lost interest in writing; including writing short notes on my phone daily. i stopped reading as well. I am still stuck at reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson. I do not know how to articulate my thoughts, express my feelings in words and even justify the arguments i had in my head. it felt like a mess; everything is a mess. When i started typing, i couldn’t find the right reason to complete that one sentence and out of the sudden, i feel nausea. I stopped writing altogether and i wondered why? Could there be a trigger? If so, what was it? Was it the news i received about my ex got married? Or am i frustrated with life in general? Could it be everything just snowballed itself? and now, experiencing burnout not only with issues that happened/is happening but with work as well?

19th May 2016, 6:34PM : Remember this feeling
11th August 2016, 7:31PM : Empty trains are scary
12th August 2016, 8:08PM : I realised how much i do not want to associate myself with that kind of man, no matter how much love i have for him.
26th August 2016, 7:33AM : Last night was the first time he did not text goodnight before going to bed.
9th September 2016, 7:23PM : I do not usually ask you for anything, but just this one time I wanted you to do something when I asked you to and sadly, you disappoint me.
21st January 2017, 11:37PM : Today is the day I feel different about you.
2nd May 2017, 7:42AM : I could have waited, but I don’t know what was I waiting for. You stopped talking like I meant nothing. Losing you was the hardest part for me, the worse thing was that you weren’t mine in the first place.
4th May 2017, 11.46PM : and again I thought about how we ended up nowhere. Did he woke up and decided not to talk to me or perhaps even stop loving me?
21st May 2017, 3:15AM : Could it be i am too comfortable? I need to move away from this comfort zone
8th June 2017, 8:02AM : Maybe the thing I need now is to be with myself and not be with someone.

today when i went through the notes I wrote on my phone and i can literally remember every single one of them; where i wrote them and how i feel at that exact moment. how funny i just stop writing in-between Sept 2016 and Jan 2017, also in-between Jan and May 2017. I would want to have that habit to write in my phone more often.

oh well, at least there was one good thing that happened, my grandma did not move out and she started talking to us. Everything that happened with her is back to normal which i am grateful for. Bc i hated how i felt about myself, how alone she was and hurting everyone around her.

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J and S

this was last Saturday, i couldn’t even remember when was the last time we did a video call together. felt like years and as always, i really enjoy talking to them. Technology made everything so easy isn’t it? I can’t wait for the both of them to be back home.

This coming Monday is a public holiday, so there’s long weekend for me. Both Alex and I booked a luxury hotel in town for this weekend staycation. I am so excited for it.

Thoughts

GO SOLO?

so, Alex and i set our mind to go to Boracay, Philippines in June. However, with the recent tragedy/chaos that is happening in Philippines made both of us worried about the trip we are going to plan. hence, we had a backup plan which is to go to Gold Coast. the really sad thing is that everything is so pricey over there, which both of us kind of expected. and calculating the total amount we are going to spend, we felt that the money would be well spent in Boracay instead. we decided that we should meet up today to plan but this morning alex fell and she tore her ligament. now, she is advised to not walk with that leg and also, to postpone the trip. ): how unfortunate! we concluded that we should do a staycation instead before her school starts.

the past few days of sleeps had not been good for me, i was staying up late (unexpectedly late) thinking about the trip whether to go to boracay or gold coast. also, drown myself with backpackers and solo traveller stories. felt like my mind was running the treadmill. since, the trip is not happening. i wonder if i should do a solo trip to Siargao Island, in Philippines to learn to surf. apparently, i found a deal on rtwbackpackers that provide accommodation, breakfast, airport transfer? and most importantly, surfing lessons for 8D7N. Is quite pricey but i think is worth it based on the reviews that i have read so far on tripadvisors. I have emailed them to ask for their itinerary so i may able to plan accordingly- if i have decided. I have yet to tell my parents about it and tbh, i have a feeling that they might not allow it.

i have been talking to my colleagues on whether or not to leave my current job, they had been so great and helpful for the past two weeks, especially in reassuring and clarifying my doubts on quitting. the good news is that, i am selected to go to Orlando, Florida, USA in september for work/conference. i have a reason to not quit because of the trip and a project that needed to be submitted for the conference. previously, i mentioned how i might be happier if i quit and how scary it is at the same time. i guess i kind of figured out the whole of being really scared, which was i do not have a concrete plan if i finally quit, i said i wanted to travel but i made no initiative to actually plan for it. and going without a plan in life really make me anxious i realised. i guess i am not the only one, everyone has their insecurity but tbh, i wish one day i could simply do it without a concrete plan. i have planned to stay, and ask for a pay raise for the next financial year..bc company’s policies.

after i set my heart to not quit, i feel good in some ways. even though, i feel that i could do better and just quit and try to go life without a plan. but staying where i am is not really that bad especially my colleagues are all good people to hang out with. also, things i promise myself to do:

  1. read more books
  2. travel or at least staycay every month
  3. run more often/walking as well
  4. be more active such as climbing, swimming, hiking, trekking and diving
  5. perhaps joining boxing and dance classes that i have been thinking about
  6. choose happiness.. always.

I saw this on tumblr and i just got to post it here. ❤

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ben affleck and liv tyler on the set of ‘armageddon’, 1998
Celebration

DINNER&DANCE

What an amazing night with these bunch of monkeys last night. My work colleagues are the best when it comes to having fun. So much had happened at work that no words can describe what each and every single one of us had been through. And last night, we left all of that behind and just focus on having fun. One of them is leaving us on Monday to pursue something even greater. It is a beginning of something new, I hope. Hey KK! do what you are capable of doing, always.

Activities, Celebration

LI JIN’S

Gathering at one of my colleague’s place for a short Chinese New Year gathering. I thought we might all be awkward but seems like it was not that bad after all. Anyway, I felt that i couldn’t really be myself completely because a lot of things had happened recently at work (bad ones). I recalled mentioning in here how I could call them my friends, now i want to take all those words back. I read something about colleagues being just 9-5 friends and I couldn’t agree with them more. In two weeks time, we are all going for a short trip. I hope we could all be okay. Anyway, i had an okay time with them today, nothing special. Despite her house is old, it definitely feels like a home that i do not mind going back home to. She made tiramisu for us and it tasted superb although the finger biscuits were oversaturated with coffee.