UNINSPIRED + NOTES

i simply lost interest in writing; including writing short notes on my phone daily. i stopped reading as well. I am still stuck at reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson. I do not know how to articulate my thoughts, express my feelings in words and even justify the arguments i had in my head. it felt like a mess; everything is a mess. When i started typing, i couldn’t find the right reason to complete that one sentence and out of the sudden, i feel nausea. I stopped writing altogether and i wondered why? Could there be a trigger? If so, what was it? Was it the news i received about my ex got married? Or am i frustrated with life in general? Could it be everything just snowballed itself? and now, experiencing burnout not only with issues that happened/is happening but with work as well?

19th May 2016, 6:34PM : Remember this feeling
11th August 2016, 7:31PM : Empty trains are scary
12th August 2016, 8:08PM : I realised how much i do not want to associate myself with that kind of man, no matter how much love i have for him.
26th August 2016, 7:33AM : Last night was the first time he did not text goodnight before going to bed.
9th September 2016, 7:23PM : I do not usually ask you for anything, but just this one time I wanted you to do something when I asked you to and sadly, you disappoint me.
21st January 2017, 11:37PM : Today is the day I feel different about you.
2nd May 2017, 7:42AM : I could have waited, but I don’t know what was I waiting for. You stopped talking like I meant nothing. Losing you was the hardest part for me, the worse thing was that you weren’t mine in the first place.
4th May 2017, 11.46PM : and again I thought about how we ended up nowhere. Did he woke up and decided not to talk to me or perhaps even stop loving me?
21st May 2017, 3:15AM : Could it be i am too comfortable? I need to move away from this comfort zone
8th June 2017, 8:02AM : Maybe the thing I need now is to be with myself and not be with someone.

today when i went through the notes I wrote on my phone and i can literally remember every single one of them; where i wrote them and how i feel at that exact moment. how funny i just stop writing in-between Sept 2016 and Jan 2017, also in-between Jan and May 2017. I would want to have that habit to write in my phone more often.

oh well, at least there was one good thing that happened, my grandma did not move out and she started talking to us. Everything that happened with her is back to normal which i am grateful for. Bc i hated how i felt about myself, how alone she was and hurting everyone around her.

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J and S

this was last Saturday, i couldn’t even remember when was the last time we did a video call together. felt like years and as always, i really enjoy talking to them. Technology made everything so easy isn’t it? I can’t wait for the both of them to be back home.

This coming Monday is a public holiday, so there’s long weekend for me. Both Alex and I booked a luxury hotel in town for this weekend staycation. I am so excited for it.