GRANDMA

Grandma “moved out” this morning to her brother’s place, because there were some misunderstanding between all of us. Initially, my brother was saying that he wanted to rent a place and due to the hefty price tag that comes along with it, i thought it would be nice that my brother and i could share the burden. So, i told him that we can move out together. My mom told us that it was a bad idea because the money would be useful if we can buy a flat instead of renting it bc, there are too many rules and restrictions for renting a flat. my mom came up with an idea to buy the flat using both my grandma’s and my brother’s. However, the idea was denied by the property agent the reason being my brother is not of age.

I believe my mom was feeling distressed about the whole situation and she turned to her mom to talk about the situation. With my grandma’s character, she assumed that both my brother and I are making plans to move away because of her; that she is a burden to us and we are chasing her out from the house. Hmm, old people and their thinking huh? ):< So i tried talking to her last night but we ended up at each other’s throat. And my exact words to her was “we love you very much, and now what you are doing is pushing all of us away, which is not right bc family are supposed to stick together, so do what you want to do!” when i woke up this morning, she was already gone but her stuff are all still here. My eyes are swollen from all last night crying and i feel better this morning. I know we did not do anything wrong as long as we told her that we love her unconditionally and respect her by letting her do what she wants to do. My aunt called and told us that she is crying and i think it is best that we leave her alone for now.

1/6/17

I miss blogging in blogger bc it was so much quieter to blog over there. I am tempted to head back to blogger and shut this down, but it is too much work and i hate moving around. I thought about switching over to a self-hosted blog, firstly because i want this long term. Secondly, i am able to choose whatever theme i want, as well as fonts and lastly, my own domain. All i wanted is something really plain/clean like i had it back in blogger. WordPress has so much restriction and i dislike how i can’t have my freedom to create something. However, i really like i am able to post 10 images at go and WP has its function of arranging them very nicely. The main reason why i decided to create a blog in WP in the first place.

i had a good talk with my brother yesterday. My brother and I grew up together, do things together and share things with each other. We are considered very close as sibling and it is something that i am sincerely thankful of. But as we grew older, i realised he has attitude that i dislike at times but i did not say anything. Because boys will always boys. However, lately i can see how unhappy he has become and i started to get worried for him. Things started changing when he worked under a obnoxious lady boss whom i saw before but did not know how notorious she is. It wasn’t my fault, neither my brother. After he left the job, he was diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). tbh, i was not surprised at all. That happened less than a year ago and recently (yesterday) i saw that he was looking at apartments for rent. I was pretty shocked because the vibe that i get from him these days was that he really just want to be out from this house. I think the thing that eats me alive was the reason why he wanted to get out so badly. When i had the talk with him yesterday, he said “I do not want to stay with our parents anymore.” My heart broke when he said those words and i so much wanted to scream at him but i tried to look at it as a third person POV, and i encouraged him to do so. I am glad that i supported his idea of moving out. bc he looks like he really need it. Not that our parents ill-treated us, just that my parents treat us like we are still 7 and 8 years old child. Haha. Well, i stopped getting frustrated with it as i know this is how Chinese parents show their unconditional love to their children.

I finally made the decision to get myself a fitness watch. I have been considering it for months and did a lot of research on it, and TOMTOM SPARK 3 is something i think i will like. I ordered it from amazon. It says that i will get it on June 14.

I joined Reddit community last weekend and i am currently addicted to it. I like how majority of the people has the ability to articulate their thoughts/comment pretty well on some interesting topics. And the people in there talk about anything under the sun which is something i had been looking for. I made a few friends there, and now we are exchanging personal messages in there. I really like talking to this one person in particular where we exchanged and discussed about quotes. The latest one he sent over was “The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti. I am starting to enjoy reading long messages/emails.

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED

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on 10th Apr, 7.41PM. He was pissed because he mistook the text I sent him. I did not even explain myself and I just apologised to him. He left me hanging till the next day, and I texted him 20 hours later asking him if he is okay. His reply was cold and distant; “i’m okay and we are cool.” I immediately cried and I was at work because how can a person, who said they like you and just leave you hanging even though they already feel better? When I told him how I felt, and I even reacted like we were together which was a mistake. He asked to meet after work. I rejected because I would cry in front of him. I told him we could meet tomorrow (11th Apr) after work instead and he even made me promised him but he told me he was busy on the day itself.

I left him alone since then and when Saturday (15th Apr) came, I cried because I missed him so much that he just stop texting me completely. I called him but he did not pick up my calls, I texted him that I missed him a lot.

..because I love you. I really do. When you asked me in the car did I fall for you deeper. I do. I really do. I wanted more than just being your friend. I want to hold you when you are down. I want to catch you when you fall. And that night, i couldn’t take my eyes off you, like you were a dream come true, but i couldn’t say a word…. I felt so safe when you I am with you like, you can conquer the world with me. So, can you please let me see you?

and his reply was just heartbreaking. He also said we will meet for lunch during weekdays and I made him promise it but it didn’t happen. I waited and nothing happened. I stopped texting him the whole week and yesterday I asked “Hey, how are you?” because I was starting to worry for him again. His reply was “hey! I am good!” which is a good thing right? I texted back, “it is good to hear that you are doing good. Have a good weekend!”. He didn’t text me back.

I dreamt of him consecutively for 5 days straight and this morning dream was he died and each time I woke up crying and falling back to sleep, the same dream happened again. It happened for a total of 3 times. When i woke up, i cried some more and i made a choice to not want to feel this way anymore.

CLEOPATRA

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i got the car on Friday night from my aunt. i have been driving around which was fun, although my vertical parking was hilariously bad. Bought my mom to the temple yesterday, and went shopping for awhile before i went over to Alexis’s to spend some time with her. She teared when I saw her as I know she is going through a stressful period now because of finals. I tried to comfort her as much as i can. i drove us to this plain field of grass near her place. I’ve never came or explore this area before. But i was glad we did and found this nice location where I think it is a perfect place to just lie down and stargaze in the night. The moon was perfectly pretty yesterday and the song Cleopatra by The Lumineers was playing from Alex’s phone. The moment was so beautiful that it made me think of him. An hour after that, I sent Alex home and went to meet him for dinner.

He paid for dinner. He held my face with his left hand at the escalator and said “ughhhhhh” because I was annoying him. I was taken aback what he did but I felt I was his last night. We went to the beach, he had ice cream and I laid down on the rocks and stargazed with him. It was about 2am, I drove him back home and I asked him “what are we doing?” and “do you still have feeling for me?” He said he doesn’t know, laughed and said yes, he still does have feelings for me. When he asked me back, I answered him “I like you even more now.” And the drive back was almost silence that I felt so comfortable with him.

I wanted to hug and plant a kiss on his cheek before I dropped him off, but i didn’t.

BLACK THAT WELL WITH GOLDEN BLONDE

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So much had happened.. How should I put this?

When you confessed I was over the moon, but this whole situation was equally frustrating and complicated when we talked about it.

I don’t know how we can move forward because moving forward feels like I am going to lose you. But I guess we should just be as we were before, if our feelings stand the test of time, perhaps it is something that we should think about deeply. If somewhere along the way you find someone else better than me, I would want you to share that with me.

When you sent this to me at 11pm, my heart breaks at the very last sentence. i never want to lose you, tbh and i found you.