Notes, Thoughts

UNINSPIRED + NOTES

i simply lost interest in writing; including writing short notes on my phone daily. i stopped reading as well. I am still stuck at reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson. I do not know how to articulate my thoughts, express my feelings in words and even justify the arguments i had in my head. it felt like a mess; everything is a mess. When i started typing, i couldn’t find the right reason to complete that one sentence and out of the sudden, i feel nausea. I stopped writing altogether and i wondered why? Could there be a trigger? If so, what was it? Was it the news i received about my ex got married? Or am i frustrated with life in general? Could it be everything just snowballed itself? and now, experiencing burnout not only with issues that happened/is happening but with work as well?

19th May 2016, 6:34PM : Remember this feeling
11th August 2016, 7:31PM : Empty trains are scary
12th August 2016, 8:08PM : I realised how much i do not want to associate myself with that kind of man, no matter how much love i have for him.
26th August 2016, 7:33AM : Last night was the first time he did not text goodnight before going to bed.
9th September 2016, 7:23PM : I do not usually ask you for anything, but just this one time I wanted you to do something when I asked you to and sadly, you disappoint me.
21st January 2017, 11:37PM : Today is the day I feel different about you.
2nd May 2017, 7:42AM : I could have waited, but I don’t know what was I waiting for. You stopped talking like I meant nothing. Losing you was the hardest part for me, the worse thing was that you weren’t mine in the first place.
4th May 2017, 11.46PM : and again I thought about how we ended up nowhere. Did he woke up and decided not to talk to me or perhaps even stop loving me?
21st May 2017, 3:15AM : Could it be i am too comfortable? I need to move away from this comfort zone
8th June 2017, 8:02AM : Maybe the thing I need now is to be with myself and not be with someone.

today when i went through the notes I wrote on my phone and i can literally remember every single one of them; where i wrote them and how i feel at that exact moment. how funny i just stop writing in-between Sept 2016 and Jan 2017, also in-between Jan and May 2017. I would want to have that habit to write in my phone more often.

oh well, at least there was one good thing that happened, my grandma did not move out and she started talking to us. Everything that happened with her is back to normal which i am grateful for. Bc i hated how i felt about myself, how alone she was and hurting everyone around her.

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J and S

this was last Saturday, i couldn’t even remember when was the last time we did a video call together. felt like years and as always, i really enjoy talking to them. Technology made everything so easy isn’t it? I can’t wait for the both of them to be back home.

This coming Monday is a public holiday, so there’s long weekend for me. Both Alex and I booked a luxury hotel in town for this weekend staycation. I am so excited for it.

Thoughts

GRANDMA

Grandma “moved out” this morning to her brother’s place, because there were some misunderstanding between all of us. Initially, my brother was saying that he wanted to rent a place and due to the hefty price tag that comes along with it, i thought it would be nice that my brother and i could share the burden. So, i told him that we can move out together. My mom told us that it was a bad idea because the money would be useful if we can buy a flat instead of renting it bc, there are too many rules and restrictions for renting a flat. my mom came up with an idea to buy the flat using both my grandma’s and my brother’s. However, the idea was denied by the property agent the reason being my brother is not of age.

I believe my mom was feeling distressed about the whole situation and she turned to her mom to talk about the situation. With my grandma’s character, she assumed that both my brother and I are making plans to move away because of her; that she is a burden to us and we are chasing her out from the house. Hmm, old people and their thinking huh? ):< So i tried talking to her last night but we ended up at each other’s throat. And my exact words to her was “we love you very much, and now what you are doing is pushing all of us away, which is not right bc family are supposed to stick together, so do what you want to do!” when i woke up this morning, she was already gone but her stuff are all still here. My eyes are swollen from all last night crying and i feel better this morning. I know we did not do anything wrong as long as we told her that we love her unconditionally and respect her by letting her do what she wants to do. My aunt called and told us that she is crying and i think it is best that we leave her alone for now.

Thoughts

1/6/17

I miss blogging in blogger bc it was so much quieter to blog over there. I am tempted to head back to blogger and shut this down, but it is too much work and i hate moving around. I thought about switching over to a self-hosted blog, firstly because i want this long term. Secondly, i am able to choose whatever theme i want, as well as fonts and lastly, my own domain. All i wanted is something really plain/clean like i had it back in blogger. WordPress has so much restriction and i dislike how i can’t have my freedom to create something. However, i really like i am able to post 10 images at go and WP has its function of arranging them very nicely. The main reason why i decided to create a blog in WP in the first place.

i had a good talk with my brother yesterday. My brother and I grew up together, do things together and share things with each other. We are considered very close as sibling and it is something that i am sincerely thankful of. But as we grew older, i realised he has attitude that i dislike at times but i did not say anything. Because boys will always boys. However, lately i can see how unhappy he has become and i started to get worried for him. Things started changing when he worked under a obnoxious lady boss whom i saw before but did not know how notorious she is. It wasn’t my fault, neither my brother. After he left the job, he was diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). tbh, i was not surprised at all. That happened less than a year ago and recently (yesterday) i saw that he was looking at apartments for rent. I was pretty shocked because the vibe that i get from him these days was that he really just want to be out from this house. I think the thing that eats me alive was the reason why he wanted to get out so badly. When i had the talk with him yesterday, he said “I do not want to stay with our parents anymore.” My heart broke when he said those words and i so much wanted to scream at him but i tried to look at it as a third person POV, and i encouraged him to do so. I am glad that i supported his idea of moving out. bc he looks like he really need it. Not that our parents ill-treated us, just that my parents treat us like we are still 7 and 8 years old child. Haha. Well, i stopped getting frustrated with it as i know this is how Chinese parents show their unconditional love to their children.

I finally made the decision to get myself a fitness watch. I have been considering it for months and did a lot of research on it, and TOMTOM SPARK 3 is something i think i will like. I ordered it from amazon. It says that i will get it on June 14.

I joined Reddit community last weekend and i am currently addicted to it. I like how majority of the people has the ability to articulate their thoughts/comment pretty well on some interesting topics. And the people in there talk about anything under the sun which is something i had been looking for. I made a few friends there, and now we are exchanging personal messages in there. I really like talking to this one person in particular where we exchanged and discussed about quotes. The latest one he sent over was “The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti. I am starting to enjoy reading long messages/emails.

Thoughts

GO SOLO?

so, Alex and i set our mind to go to Boracay, Philippines in June. However, with the recent tragedy/chaos that is happening in Philippines made both of us worried about the trip we are going to plan. hence, we had a backup plan which is to go to Gold Coast. the really sad thing is that everything is so pricey over there, which both of us kind of expected. and calculating the total amount we are going to spend, we felt that the money would be well spent in Boracay instead. we decided that we should meet up today to plan but this morning alex fell and she tore her ligament. now, she is advised to not walk with that leg and also, to postpone the trip. ): how unfortunate! we concluded that we should do a staycation instead before her school starts.

the past few days of sleeps had not been good for me, i was staying up late (unexpectedly late) thinking about the trip whether to go to boracay or gold coast. also, drown myself with backpackers and solo traveller stories. felt like my mind was running the treadmill. since, the trip is not happening. i wonder if i should do a solo trip to Siargao Island, in Philippines to learn to surf. apparently, i found a deal on rtwbackpackers that provide accommodation, breakfast, airport transfer? and most importantly, surfing lessons for 8D7N. Is quite pricey but i think is worth it based on the reviews that i have read so far on tripadvisors. I have emailed them to ask for their itinerary so i may able to plan accordingly- if i have decided. I have yet to tell my parents about it and tbh, i have a feeling that they might not allow it.

i have been talking to my colleagues on whether or not to leave my current job, they had been so great and helpful for the past two weeks, especially in reassuring and clarifying my doubts on quitting. the good news is that, i am selected to go to Orlando, Florida, USA in september for work/conference. i have a reason to not quit because of the trip and a project that needed to be submitted for the conference. previously, i mentioned how i might be happier if i quit and how scary it is at the same time. i guess i kind of figured out the whole of being really scared, which was i do not have a concrete plan if i finally quit, i said i wanted to travel but i made no initiative to actually plan for it. and going without a plan in life really make me anxious i realised. i guess i am not the only one, everyone has their insecurity but tbh, i wish one day i could simply do it without a concrete plan. i have planned to stay, and ask for a pay raise for the next financial year..bc company’s policies.

after i set my heart to not quit, i feel good in some ways. even though, i feel that i could do better and just quit and try to go life without a plan. but staying where i am is not really that bad especially my colleagues are all good people to hang out with. also, things i promise myself to do:

  1. read more books
  2. travel or at least staycay every month
  3. run more often/walking as well
  4. be more active such as climbing, swimming, hiking, trekking and diving
  5. perhaps joining boxing and dance classes that i have been thinking about
  6. choose happiness.. always.

I saw this on tumblr and i just got to post it here. ❤

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ben affleck and liv tyler on the set of ‘armageddon’, 1998
Thoughts

UPDATES FOR DIVING @ TIOMAN, MALAYSIA

TIOMAN_DSC1457.JPGI was right. There was no wifi. 6 days with no wifi was splendid. I got tanned & i love how my skin colour look right now. I did a lot of thinking alone, in the night. Made a lot of decision about my life choices as well, things i want to do etc. Felt like a completely different person after these 6 days. I cannot exactly pinpoint what changed in me, perhaps i just got stronger.

Anw, i wrote down notes on my phone bc i wanted to always remember this trip.

Activities, Thoughts

DAY 6 @ TIOMAN, MALAYSIA

Is our last night here! We dived 28m deep today. It was so incredible despite the visibility wasn’t optimal. Diving with Sonia was pretty great. She is cool and I really like her. The boat out for our adv. dived was way better than the previous boat ride. I actually had more fun this time round probably because we are more comfortable and the people on board were funny as well. What I really like about diving is that when I could feel the seawater gets cold out of the suddenly as we dive deeper, known as the thermocline. After our boat dive, we went back, had lunch, spent time at the diving centre again and this time longer. We met new friends; Yong and Katherina? And we all had dinner together at the restaurant. Dinner was too filling; stingray, bbq chicken, vegetable and rice. Haha! We spent our night bonding with Bob, Danial, Yong and Katherina, since it was ours and yong’s last night here. It was 10.30PM and we headed back to our room. And we killed a spider (a size about 10 cm?) with an insect repellant and we spent a night with a cockroach, not sure if it is dead. o:

Goodbyes are so bittersweet.